The Things of This World

So lately I've been struggling a lot. I've been stressed to the limit I guess you could say, and my body is finally on over load. It's crazy how stress can affect the body. I'm trying to learn the balance of how to handle stress well outwardly, yet not let it eat away the inside of me.

Sometimes I wonder if my world will ever be alright. I get so frustrated and stressed over certain issues in my life that I can't get beyond the mess I've made of things.

Through out my life I have been so blessed with things. I have a wonderful family, despite our hardships that we have all endured together. I've never truly wanted for anything in my life. I have two grandmothers and a grandfather that love me and have blessed me so much with their knowledge of life, caring spirits, and genorosity that I do not deserve.

Ever since moving to Warsaw full-time, and not just as a student, I have been given so many wonderful opportunities to meet new people and build awesome relationships with so many. God has done so many wonderful things in my life, and blessed me in more ways than I know, and despite all of His genorosity to me, I still manage to screw up everything. Now this isn't one of those statements where I need someone to comment on how I'm not a screw-up. I am. I've made a lot of mistakes, especially in the last year and a half. Lately I've really had to re-examine my life and find out what is important to me.

This next declaration is going to sound ridiculous, but I love fashion and I love shopping, and in the past, not the so distant past, actually yesterday and today even, I have made this love of fashion and shopping a god for me if you will. It has definitley become a lifestlye for me, and it has to STOP. I'm tired of buying all of this stuff, that yes makes me happy for the time being, but really is just a bunch of crap. I've not been using my money to benefit others, only myself. I hate that about myself, and I'm ready for this part of myself to be killed off. I have no idea how I'm going to go about doing this, but the fact is, that if I don't stop this spend it like I have all the money in the world act, it's going to keep widening the gap between me and God. We're far enough apart as it is. I don't need help keeping us apart.

Please don't take this confession the wrong way. I love God. I believe in God, and I do have a relationship with God. Our relationship is probably the best its ever been right now. He's breaking me. He's making me see what is really important in life. And although I should of learned the lesson that ipods and banana republic clothing are not the most important things in life a long time ago, I ignored that lesson and am paying for it now. I'll rebound from all of this, and I'll always struggle with this life lesson probably, but I am determined to set my priorities not on myself, but rather on God. If you ever think to pray for me, please pray for me in this area: That I'd always be focused on what is truly important and let the bright and shiny things of this world that always grab my attention start to fade into the background and become dull. I love you all, and appreciate and covet all your prayers more than you know. Thanks for listening...

Ella & Auntie Jessica

 

Mixed Emotions...

So this week has been a rather interesting week... I've had a lot of stuff going on in my life and to top it all off we had one of our biggest cases go to Jury Trial for four days this week. The man on trial's charge...Child Molesting.

Obviously when people here the words "Child Molester" a lot of thoughts and emotions stir up inside the person. This case was particularly close to my and my co-workers hearts because after working on a case for a year you feel some sort of possessiveness over the victims and their families, especially when children are the victims. The only real description of this man is that he is, without a doubt, a MONSTER.

Without going into gruesome details, I will tell you one thing that tugged at my heart during this entire process. It's extremely hard to know ALL of the details of a situation and hear all the different angles and how all of those details fit into a case for over a year, and then give all of that over to a jury to decide on this man, the boys, and their families fate, while they don't know all of the details and angles that you have learned over the past year. I kept thinking in my head, "There is absolutely no way that they would let this man off after everything that they have learned throughout the past four days!" However, that four hours that the jury was out deciding what felt like all of our fates, was one of the longest waits of my life. If the verdict came back not-guilty how were we suppose to look into that mother's eyes and say something of encouragement??? I will never forget that night upstairs in the hallway or the expressions on the faces of those who stood with me waiting.

When we were called back into the court room at 7:00pm, I don't think any of us could breath. The heaviness that I felt on my heart was almost too much to handle. The verdict was read, and praise God the defendant was found guilty on all four counts! The division between the emotions on either side of the room was like you were watching two different events happening and the emotions which should correspond to each. Obviously our side of the court room was extatic, with a lot of hugging and smiling. Meanwhile, the other side of the room was in tears, shock, and grief. Despite my excitement for justice being served, it's quite a different thing to see a mother watch her son being handcuffed and escorted to jail, all along knowing that he won't be seeing the outside of those walls for the rest of his life (his expected sentence is 120 years w/o paroll). I didn't feel sorry for the mother; yet I feel possibly the shame that I believe she felt on raising a child molester, and her role in the process of these boys lives that her son violated and defiled. I can't help but say that through all the hugging and tears of joy that were happening inside that court room, I felt a little guilty that we were all so happy that this man of 25, now a convicted child molester, is spending the rest of his life in prison (which don't misunderstand me, is where he belongs). His life is now over because of the horendous choices that he made. No second chances for him. I think of all the mistakes I've made, continue to make, and will make, and even though they are on a way lesser level then this man's in terms of socieities views, they aren't to God. I get second chances. Heck, I'm on chance number 5 million. It kind of put things in a different persepective for me that night. It was disturbing actually. In God's eyes sin is sin. And although I would never say that I am like the man who was just sent to prison the rest of his life for child molesting, in God's eyes, since sin is sin, aren't we all on the same level?

Blogging???

Well I've finally decided to try this whole Blog thing out. I've never been someone who's cared a whole lot about writing details of my life for everyone to see....but then I saw KG's, Amber's, Jon's, and Lace's blogs and I see how much I miss details on other people's lives...and how I want to be a part of ole' CattleTracks again...and all you lovely people. So here is my blog...