The Ugly Truth

Well I'd like to say that my situation has dramatically changed since my last entry, and although my living situation has not changed, my attitude has begun to change. Being at Nic's has helped tremendously. I've been able to relax and have time to reflect on my life, as well as my attitude.

The ugly truth o the matter is that I'm an impatient person (as anyone who knows me can attest to), and when a situation of my own or someone I care about is not going well, I want to be able to fix it right away...and when I cannot...this huge, intense surge of emotion or irrationality comes over me and I can no longer see past my own self, my own pain, and my own suffering. I hate that I'm that selfish---but that's the bottom line of it.

I have been trying to see the reasoning or any kind of good that can come out of my current situation that I am for some reason going through. I do get that the Lord wants me here for some reason, despite that fact that I haven't figured out why yet...I know I need to be obedient and stay strong even when I don't want to be.

I know I owe a deep thank you, as well as an apology for all of you who have had to put up with my attitude lately. I hope you can be gracious enough to stick with me as I'm walking through this and trying to figure all of this out. I covet all of your prayers and words of encouragement. Please don't let me be SOOO self involved that I don't know what's going on in your own life, or things you need prayer for. I love you all.

Yada Yada

So I am now living with Nicole my superstar of a friend. I am virtually homeless after my "ex" roommate kicked me out last week. It has been an exhaustive week to say the least. Nicole has been extremely awesome though...I couldn't ask for a better friend or roomie. Shout out to my girl Nic!!! (There's your shout out Nicole =)

I am learning a whole new appreciation for art while living with Nicole. Her gallery is the coolest place in Winona Lake. All of the art makes me smile and happy, which is something that I've been needing these days. If you get the chance to go down to Art & Soul, you NEED to!

I could really use a miracle in finding a new place to move into. I had something I thought was going to be perfect and God sent--but it ended up falling through...and now I have no options at all. So if anyone has time to lift up a prayer or two and you happen to think of me...please pray that I find a new place, and soon. All of my stuff is in a storage unit, and that is only temporary, so I need to find something ASAP before I have to move my stuff again.

I'm struggling with why nothing seems to ever pan out for me. I'm tired of feeling lousy and grouchy. I think things will definitely be much better now that I'm at Nicole's, but I need to find my own place...and I'm really struggling with the fact that everything seems to be falling through. I would like for once, something to go right in my life. For whatever reason I'm at the lowest of the lows that I have been at in awhile. I'm trying to hold my head up, but I'm tired of never feeling like I can just be pissed at the situation. I'm tired of hearing God is going to come through...I've been waiting eight months for Him to do something with my situation and now it all seems hopeless. I have exhausted every option or opportunity that I know of, and cannot do any more than I have already done. I feel helpless. That feeling sucks. I want to do something to change my situation...I don't want to be like this. AHHH!

Needless to say, I don't have enough strength to even pray for myself or my situation...so if you would, please lift up a prayer for me...

Tired and Desperate

I have to say that I'm feeling quite down today. I don't know that I have exactly put a finger on the source of my desperation that I feel...except for the fact that I am utterly fed up with life.

I'm tired of hearing the trite words that "this too shall pass," or that "it's only temporary." I'm living in the midst of this crap right now...and I really don't want to hear that. A bible verse is not going to make the pain and desperation of my situation go away. It's not that I even expect God to take what I have made an utter mess of and clean it up, but some sort of smile from Heaven would be nice. What else do I need to do for things to get better???? I feel like I have done everything in my power...and I have prayed until I'm blue in the face, and still nothing has changed. I'm tired of trying to reassure myself that God wants me here for a reason at this moment...because I really can't bear it anymore. I am desperate for things to be different, for my situation to change...I know that I can't do it without help from God...so why is he refusing to do anything?

I have been trying so hard to get things right in my life and to work on certain issues...the harder I try...the worse things seem to get. I read in Psalms this morning in chapter 121:

"I lift my eyes to the hills---where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip--he who watches over you will not slumber..."

Why do I feel like He's letting my feet slip out from underneath me? I know that my help is suppose to come from the Lord, and I have felt that in the past...but I don't even see a glimpse of it right now. I am sooo tired and so desperate for things to change...When is it going to happen?